a hard hit

As I write this I'm unable to keep my composure... which is ok because I'm alone. I need to write this as a bit of a healing for myself.

I had told everyone that I was pregnant in my last entry and was so excited. I went in for my first OB appointment and I couldn't wait to meet my new Dr and discuss doing a VBAC. I was told that I was a great candidate and that I could try for a vaginal birth with this baby. So, we proceeded to do the ultrasound to get an accurate measurement of the baby and make sure the due date is correct. As we saw the teeny little baby on the screen I got so excited... I looked over at Derek and said "do you see it honey?!" and then the Dr started to show me where the baby was, where the sac was and then all around that was blood... and it wasn't good. She pointed out the baby again and that it didn't show a heartbeat. Also, that it wasn't moving and was only measuring at 8 weeks. At this time I was 9 weeks and 2 days pregnant... my worst fear had just come true. I just laid there crying, I had no idea what to do or how to even proceed with what I had just heard. Life changed in an instant and not the way I had hoped. My Dr suggested for me to do a D&C (dilation and curettage) and just get it all out instead of waiting for my body to reject the miscarried baby. I knew that mentally I wouldn't be able to play the waiting game at home. So, we checked into the hospital and went on with it. During surgery, I woke up toward the end and was in so much pain... after I was all done I couldn't help but sob. It was over. I was no longer pregnant and I didn't have a sweet baby in my arms to help with the pain. Thank God my mom was able to come and stay with us while all of this happened. Josh and Danielle took care of Owen and I'm so grateful that they did that for us. And Derek has been my rock through this whole thing. It in some weird way has brought he and I closer... it broke our hearts to know that our baby that we had hoped and planned for was gone.

I've not been much company and haven't done much since yesterday. I sit at home "resting" and reflecting on the past day and a half. Going from complete excitement to grieving a loss in a matter of minutes. I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason and that I have been blessed with a beautiful son already and I'm so thankful for him. But in all of this and 2 miscarriages in 6 months, it's hard to see the bright side of things. We're trying our hardest to go on. I'm so thankful for all of our friends and family who've shown so much support and love. We appreciate each and every thought and prayer that has gone out to us... all of you have made this a little easier. We love you.